I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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