Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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