The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
