WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
