my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
His nipple licking is glorious
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