Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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