I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
