hotel room ftw
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
