when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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