Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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