Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
we're so committed to being not committed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
