Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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