Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
