My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
