I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
