brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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