Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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