even my farts smell like vagina
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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