Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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