i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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