I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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