If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
