So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
