If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
