Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
