plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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