Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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