Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
