Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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