I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
