my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
