I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
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do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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