My first STD was from a foam party
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
