What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
