you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
