i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
