having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
