Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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