You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
