how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
