Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
