I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
