Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
