just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
