She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
