Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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