how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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