fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
