I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
