Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Randomize
