just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
