Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
